When I was a girl I had imagined that I would go to college find my prince charming and we would get married, drive off into the sunset and live happily ever after. But also during that same time of dreaming about my future, my present world was beginning to crumble.
My parents got a divorce.
My dad was hardly ever around and so I would never get to see him. This crushed my world. I wanted so bad to have a close relationship with my dad. My mom did her best to raise me in church while my father did his own thing. I was allowed to go every other weekend to his house … when he didn’t forget to pick me up. It was horrible, I hated going over there. I was like a mother to him. Even though he was there, he wasn’t. He was strung out on drugs and would sleep all day. He took no interest in me and I had never felt so unloved. I tried to continuously have a relationship with my father and he kept rejecting me.
Not knowing how to handle the pain of rejection from my father, I looked for love elsewhere. I began to party a lot and any guy who would show me any attention, I slept with. But it just left me feeling dirty and leaving an even bigger whole in my heart that just couldn’t be filled no matter how hard I tried. I still continued to live my life wreck less and care free.
My freshman year in college I met a guy who I fell in love. At the time, I thought he was my prince charming. The day after Christmas, I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and worried of the future. When I got through all the pain and fear, my son ended up being the BEST present God could have ever given me even though at the time, I didn’t realize it yet.
My life style changed and I no longer was able to party and the people I called my “friends”, no longer wanted anything to do with me. My “prince charming” quickly turned into the worst guy on the planet! We stayed together but I became a victim to severe mental abuse. I was alone, 3 hours away from any support system and God was grabbing ahold of my heart.
When I was 6 months pregnant, we decided to move back closer to home. I thought things would get better but they actually got worse when we moved. I wanted to leave my son’s father and anytime I would bring up the conversation to move back into my mom’s house he would indirectly threaten me by laying a buck knife on the table or say he would kill himself if I ever left. He did this several times to make me too afraid to leave him. I probably would’ve become a victim to physical abuse if I had stayed any longer (he began shoving). I had to protect my son and myself. I kept praying that God would help me find a way out of this unhealthy and dangerous relationship and when my son was only 4 weeks old, God opened a door for me to escape and I never turned back. He answered my prayer and protected me.
I think the worst feeling anyone can feel is abandonment. It’s one of the biggest issues I had associated with every man I met, is that “eventually they’re going to leave me.”
Being a single mom, trying my very best to care for this baby all alone, I had never felt more alone and depressed in my life. I was in a constant “zombie-like” state for months due to lack of sleep. I loved my baby and I would give and give of myself to him, nurturing him and meeting his every need … but when they are that little, it’s hard to feel the appreciation or any love in return. Through that season of loneliness, I kept hearing God whisper to me over and over again, “It’s going to get better Kaitlin … I promise … Just be patient.”
He never left me and He never abandoned me. God knew that I felt abandoned by my Father. He knew what it was going to take for me to turn to Him completely … He knew that I needed more of Him to fill this emptiness inside that no man could fill. And he blessed me with a baby to make it happen. God knew me better than myself (I’m a little stubborn). Having a child has given me a greater understanding of God’s love for me. I haven’t always shown love and appreciation but yet He never failed to meet my needs and nurtures me with unconditional love.
I have never been happier to get away from my past and break the chains that were holding me down. God has always been there for me and my son. He is a Father to the fatherless and provides over and above when the men in my life have chosen not to. And it doesn’t matter that they don’t because my God does and always will! Psalm 68:5-6 “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families…” And he reminds me daily that just because I have a 2 year old at the age of 21 doesn’t mean that I can’t still fulfill the dreams He has placed in my heart.
I am currently going to school to become a nurse. I work part time and receive little to no child support but I still somehow can afford my apartment and pay my bills which is a miracle! I’m doing this completely on my own with God’s help. I know it is all because God provides for his children if you follow and trust in Him!
My son saved my life and I thank God every day for sending me this little blessing in disguise. 2 Corinthians 12:10 “So I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings and all kinds of troubles. All of these things are for Christ. And I am happy, because when I am weak, then I am truly strong.” And the dreams I had of my prince charming will still come true, he is out there. I am awaiting him patiently and staying pure because I know God will bring him to me when the time is right. I don’t even have to go out and search for him. In the meantime, I’m going to keep pressing on with my baby and my God!
Written by Kaitlin Wise