Journal entry: January 10, 2011- “Today I turn 10 weeks pregnant. I haven’t fully accepted it yet. I don’t believe it. This is the hardest for me. I still wish I wasn’t pregnant pretty regularly. I hate that nothing never seems to fall into place at the right time.”
When I saw the + sign on that test I thought, “God, what?! This is not what I want right now!” I threw the test in the trash in disbelief. I wrestled with God that night and many days ahead with my thoughts, with my heart, with my entire soul about how unfair it was. For the first time in my life, I was angry at God. It literally felt like my world was stopping. My world. MY. World. I spent many hours having pity parties. I cried sitting outside. I cried when I cooked, I cried when I watched TV, I cried brushing my teeth. One day, I cried in the shower and I literally pleaded to God to take the baby. I started pushing on my stomach, then I violently punched it 3 times in frustration and anger because nothing was happening. After God not answering my request, I did as many sit-ups as I could on my living room floor over and over again … then I cried my eyes out. With my knees to my chest, a numb body and no more tears to shed, I sat outside staring at a big tree. It was then that I heard God ask, “Do you want Me to take it?” I was stunned, but ignored the question. I mean, why would He ask me such a dumb question after all this. In a stern, loud as day voice, “Do you want ME to take it?” With hot tears streaming down my face, I knew in my heart it was God and I couldn’t answer. That’s when I knew what my heart really wanted and some how I needed to be ok with it. Something else was wrong. What was wrong with ME?
In the world of a single girl, this kind of reaction would be no surprise. In the world of a married girl, this kind of reaction would be a surprise. Well, I’m the married girl! 28 years old, married to the love of my life for 8 years and have 2 adorable boys. To top it off? My husband is a pastor. Yep, the girl beating on her stomach asking God to take her 3rd baby is a Pastor’s wife.
Growing up I admired Pastor wives. As a teen I surrounded myself with them as much as I could and I even secretly asked God to make me one. I knew my life was destined to be somewhere in ministry, but my heart was just to marry a Pastor. In my young world, I saw these women carry so much confidence. Ministering to people right along side their husband. Through my eyes, their world was perfect. Perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect house and always had the perfect things to say.
So, here I am. Although my husbands’ position of pastor came years later, here I am now, a pastor’s wife with an image of myself far beyond what I admired growing up. I don’t always carry confidence. I don’t have the perfect marriage (close! ;), my kids are crazy (in a good way), we’re definitely not in a perfect house and I hardly ever have the perfect things to say.
Yes, I am a pastor’s wife, but I’m just as real as you and I like it that way! I go through difficulties just like you! I don’t like it, but who does! I have pity parties and get so selfish that I begin to lose my way until God comes to rescue me….again and again. No matter who you are, what age you are, if you are married or not, you will find yourself in place of unexpected trial. Little did I know that my unexpected pregnancy would draw me so much closer to God. I already knew Him, but man! I got to know a whole different side of Him. Imagine the godly man of your dreams comforting you, feeling deeply loved and giving you the best advice to guide you along the way. All with a pure gentleness and a soft kiss on your cheek. That’s how God revealed Himself to me as I coped with the new direction my life was going. That is the new side I got to know! Nobody knows my heart like God does and He knew my heart didn’t want to lose a baby. He knew my baby Moses would be one of the best things that would happen to me. He knew that along with the birth of my baby, new passions and new beginnings would also be birthed. I was given grace and the beginning of something new that made life so much better than it was before. At the time when I thought so much was wrong with me, the only thing I knew to do was to throw myself into God’s arms and He loved me even more. He was the only one that was going to get me through this and see the light. I just needed to be with Him and He needed to be with me.
July 26, 2011- Moses Arturo Cabrera was born. Moses, who drew God’s people out into the promise land. Arturo, means bear, fierce one.
One day, my little Moses will know how much his existence, even in my womb, drew me out into a land God had for me. A promise revealed to me in a fierce way that changed me forever.
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose” -Romans 8:28
Written by Liz Cabrera