Picking adoption profiles was so much fun although so painful. Just having to picture my daughter with another family for my entire life brought mixed emotions. Having to let go of her for the rest of my life seemed almost impossible. We chose a family that both Jordyn and I felt amazing about. We set up a time to meet them so we can get to know them. There was only about 3 weeks left until our baby was to be born so it was time to start asking some simple yet important questions that we were curious about.
“How open will our adoption actually be?”
“Will you go on daddy-daughter dates with her?”
“Will you love her as much as I love her?”
Asking more and more questions, I was starting to realize all the emotions involved with this decision. The realization of the entire situation was hitting me hard. I had to ask all of the questions that I would have asked myself if I were to raise her.
I felt great about our family choice and the decision to place her in their loving arms. What I wasn’t sure about is if I would be able to overcome this knot forming in my stomach. A few days before I was to become a father, I cried myself to sleep every night. This should be a happy time for all of us. But I guess my circumstances were different.
The continuing lack of support from my family only made things more difficult more me. Their constant anger towards me for the decision for adoption only hurt me worse. I had made it that far without them so I knew I could get through this too. Deep down in my heart I knew I was making the perfect decision. Even though the decision was difficult, God gave me peace about our decision and that was all I needed. God has always been there for me, holding my heart and comforting me like a real Father does.
May 26, 2011 finally came. All this anticipation and patience for the past 9 months is finally paying off! Jordyn was admitted into the hospital. Her belly looked like it could just pop at any second! We were anxiously waiting for her to be induced so we could begin our brand new life on the road to happy ever after. What came next change my life forever.
“Just a few more pushes Jordyn, just a few more! You’re doing great!”
Baby Abby popped out like a champ. I cut the umbilical cord. An overwhelming sense of happiness and excitement just completely overcame me. I was in shock. She was even more beautiful and more perfect than I could ever imagine. Her smooth skin felt as smooth as silk to the touch. Her deep sea-blue eyes captured my heart. Her chunky cheeks were so precious I could just kiss them every day for the rest of my life. Her full head of hair only added to her angelic beauty. I felt so deeply in love with her. I was completely speechless. I could not take my eyes off her. Every second not loving on her was felt like a second that was wasted. Abby was and still is, my treasure, my true love, my heart and soul, my absolute everything. After holding her in my arms kissing her repeatedly, I was mesmerized by every inch of her.
Everything felt so worth it. I would never take back everything we have gone through, all the hard times. She was worth every second of it.
Abby is the greatest gift God could have ever blessed me with. She is more perfect in every way than I could ever imagine. Tears streamed down my face, as family showed up to comfort us. There had been so much pulling and tugging on my heart regarding the decision to place Abby with another family. But I would want nothing more than to give Abby the best life possible, and that would only come true if she was in more caring and capable arms. Our decision became final.
Abby, we want the best out of life for you. Daddy loves you, sweetheart.
Written by Josh Malkosky