My Whole Heart

When you are the pretty girl at school, no one sees you as a person, instead you’re seen as a object. 
Girls were only there for you while you were cool, and guys only wanted to be with you as a status symbol. As the fourth kid of five in a blended family, I craved that attention. I thought, well if I just do this I would get noticed more.

In the eighth grade my supposed best friend at the time, suggested we have a sleepover at my place. My parents went out of town and we had the house to ourselves. She invited her boyfriend over and he brought his friend. I was fourteen and he was twenty-four. I couldn’t take back what happened and I was miserable and felt dirty. That night I was broken and lost and truly hurt.

That night began my search for something … anything … that would allow me to feel good about myself.

As I started high school I started trying new things and experimenting to try and fill this emptiness I had been feeling inside. I tried everything I could think of … from drugs to drinking and hooking up with guys.

I started to date a junior when I was a freshman. He was so good looking and made me smile. He was good to me for the first few months and treated me like a princess. He told me he loved me and I was mesmerized.

Finally. Someone loved ME.

I thought my hole in my heart and life was filled. 

Throughout the course of our relationship he hurt me mentally, physically, and emotionally. From trying to get me pregnant at 15 to convincing me I was unable to have a baby. He finally got me pregnant when I was 16. Thinking my life was forever ruined, I still vowed that I was going to love my baby no matter what.

At two months pregnant and two positive pregnancy tests, I thought this was going to make him finally love me. At three months pregnant I had a miscarriage. My world shattered even more. I hated life and the enemy just kept speaking negative words into my life. God was the last thing on my mind.

I started flirting with death. Testing the limits of how many pills I could take or how deep I could cut myself before I would pass out. I was looking for something to occupy my mind.

There I was. Lost. Broken. Hopeless. I kept thinking God must hate me to give me a baby and take it away.

I found myself addicted to ice and sleeping with a twenty-seven year old at the age of sixteen.  It took my grandmother passing away for me to realize that I was wasting my life away. I swore she wasn’t dead and she kept moving. My family thought I was crazy.  As I was lying on the bathroom floor crying about my grandma, God spoke to me and told me that at the rate I was going, I would be next.

Going through the miscarriage, my hole just got bigger.

As a scared little girl I decided on my birthday I would drink one last time and stop until I was 21 if God would just keep me alive. (Like you can bargain with God, that should show how lost I was).  I got pregnant that same week. I moved away from everyone I knew just knowing the awful things they would have to say about me.

Getting pregnant and moving ended up being the greatest thing that ever happened to me. God knew it was going to take something drastic for me to be able to straighten up my life. My mom found this group called Embrace Grace that I could go to that had support for single and pregnant girls. I found out that not only did God love me, but I was HIS daughter and He was always there for me and always will be. All of the chains that had been on my shoulders had been lifted away when I forgave all those people who hurt me in my past.

I gave it all to God and when I did … I no longer felt the judgment. I no longer felt the neediness. I no longer hated myself.

EG blessed me with friends, help, and knowledge about the Word of God. I had a revelation that God chose me out of all of the girls in the world, to be my son’s mom. He made me beautiful and He would always love me. He filled that hole I had been searching for. He blessed me with an amazing child when I finally let Him in my heart.

Not only did I get to meet the wonderful women in EG, but God also put a very special man in my life from the first day I moved. He introduced himself to me and I thought, oh great as soon as he finds out I’m pregnant he’s going to be done. But boy was I ever wrong. He showed me off around school and even introduced me to his mom (which I recommend telling your parents in advance that you will be introducing them to a girl who’s six months pregnant!.) After the school year ended he joined the army and I thought I would never hear from him again. But he wrote me the sweetest words of encouragement and reminded me of just how beautiful I was and that I was an amazing mother.

I went to his graduation and we decided to get married. We never wanted to be apart. We were married five months later.

It’s hard to imagine where I have been and what I have done but God still blessed me even more with an amazing husband that loves me and my baby as his own.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. { James 1:2-4
2 }

Written anonymously. 

2 thoughts on “My Whole Heart

  1. Thank you for sharing your story!!! You are an overcomerer!!! Your testimony is powerful and I know it will impact many people! Thank you for sharing!

  2. Thank you for your courage, courage in living, and sharing. You are a living witness that the God who is Love, really is bigger than death, in every way. This is a heartbreaking story, with a great HOPE for the ending. Thanks again!

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