A Reason to Live

I hated being the oldest child.

My parents always wanted me to set the example for my little brothers and sisters. And growing up in a military family, it was definitely not a “walk in the park”. When I got in trouble at school, the punishment was always big. I always had more responsibilities because my siblings were watching me and looking up to me. My home life was rough and it’s really too many details, I’ll have to save for another blog post later.

I found out at the age of eight that the man I knew as my daddy, wasn’t actually my biological father at all.  One day after school, when my younger sister and I were walking home, one of our friends started teasing me because we barely looked related.

This didn’t sit well in the back of my mind and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  When we got home from school, I questioned my parents and they dropped the bombshell on me … my dad had adopted me. And my world shattered. So many secrets and the biggest one was who my real father was. What was his name? Who was this person that I’m a part of? My parents wouldn’t tell me anything until I was much older … but by that time, he was already gone. He had just passed away. I never knew him. I think this was the moment I decided if I ever had a child, I would make sure I stayed with the father no matter what.

By the time I hit 20 years old, I had been on a down hill roller coaster that at any moment, was going to spiral off the tracks. I had been in the drug party scene, stripping to pay for the drugs on top of being in several toxic relationships. I was smoking, drinking, partying, and having sex. Everything your parents tell you not to do I was doing. I was doing everything I could to fill this emptiness I had that only God and my read dad could fill … I just couldn’t see it at the time. I was just hurting and looking for something to make me happy.

I was dating a guy that I would break up and get back together over and over.  The very last time was because he had gotten the girl he had cheated on me with, pregnant. This broke my already wounded heart into a million pieces. How could he do this to me? We didn’t talk much over the next few month … until I got sucked back in again. Him and his new girlfriend had gotten into a huge fight, and he called me over. He was telling me all the right things and I needed to feel like I was loved. Things happened … the cycle continued.

I managed to sink into a horrible depression. I found myself regretting almost everything I had ever done over the past few years. I was ashamed and felt like I had hit rock bottom. I cried myself to sleep and would wake up with a wet pillow from crying throughout the might. I felt like there were no more options for me. I felt like I had no reason to live anymore.  I was fed up with my “cursed” life I had been living. I had no hope. I only saw one way out. One night I fell to my knees and looked up and said, “God, if you are real … and if there is any room for love for me, give me one good reason to keep on living because I can’t do this anymore.”

I tried to listen but I just heard silence. He doesn’t even hear me. He doesn’t see me. There was my answer. I decided I would give this God, 24 hours to do something and prove He’s real. I need Him to give me something worth living for.  Because I had already made my plan of how I would be ending my life the very next night.

When I woke up the next morning, I went through the motions of getting ready for another miserable day. My sister came into the bathroom and handed me something.  “Brit, you’ve been really moody, and your boobs are like three sizes bigger, take this and let me know.” I looked down to see what she gave me … a pregnancy test.  I rolled my eyes. I can’t be pregnant. There’s no way. But I took the test sine she had already bought it and to prove her wrong.  After the longest 5 minutes passed, in very small digital print, one word changed my life forever …PREGNANT.

It was a lot to process. I had my fair share of tears. I had always dreamed of being a mom someday, although my dream had very different circumstances. Over the course of the pregnancy, I got more and more excited about this life I had inside of me. I wanted to love and nurture this child. I wanted to make up for the mistakes I made in my life. I realized that God gave me my reason to live. I asked him to give me a reason and He answered my prayer.

My pregnancy seemed like it lasted forever. I finally gave birth to a beautiful 7 lb 11oz baby girl whom I named Keira Sage which means little/dark peace/wisdom.

My daughter saved my life.

This unexpected miracle that God blessed me with, gave me a reason to live. She gave me something to work for and to love. Shortly after having her I went through some tough times and I was saved.

Even though I raised Keira alone until she was 9 months old, God gave me the strength to keep going forward every day. I even got saved through this. I couldn’t deny anymore that there was a God and He sees me. He knows me and He loves me.  I have since met an amazing man that asked me to be his bride, and I said yes! And he loves Keira like his own child.

No one ever expected me to get married, let alone be a good mother. God has a reason for everything, I learned that the hard way, but everything I’ve gone through has helped me become the woman, mother and wife God intended me to me.

Written by Brittany McGettrick-White

3 thoughts on “A Reason to Live

  1. Wow Brittany, thank you for sharing your heart! Your story is incredible and I love how God used you to show His love for His daughters and their babies! You’re such an awesome woman and mommy! Love you!

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