Boy, was I wrong.
I rushed into marrying him after 2 weeks of dating just because I wanted to get out from my mothers’ control. We got married and moved to Lawton, OK where he was stationed in the military. Everything was going great until we started arguing all the time and acting more like roommates than husband and wife.
I didn’t realize until after I married him that he was so far into debt and all of our stuff was getting turned off and even the vehicle he had got repossessed. We now had only one vehicle between the two of us that seemed to constantly be breaking down. I sank into a deep depression that I could never quite break away from.
While I was in Oklahoma, I had met some friends that were into drugs. I was having a hard time coping and wasn’t excited about anything anymore so I decided to try them to so I would fit in. I hung out with this crowd more and more and it caused me and my husband to argue all the time where eventually, we ended up separating.
I moved all the way back home to Texas and somehow ended finding another bad crowd to hang out with. I was doing drugs and alcohol so badly to the point that I had no memory of where I was or who I was, most the time. Honestly I think it was by the grace of God that I was never caught (just never realized it at the time).
I started partying all the time and wasn’t paying my bills. I kept having relationship after relationship with men who I only stayed with so they could just give me more drugs. I’m not going to lie, there are times that I remember crying and wanting to stop but I just could not put the drugs down. I wanted to but just couldn’t.
It wasn’t until I met Bryan when everything changed. He was supposed to end up being a one night stand but the plans changed.
I happened to get pregnant with a miracle baby.
I didn’t ever believe it at first because I had been told since I was 4 years old that it would be a miracle to get pregnant due to an accident I had. I went out and bought 7 pregnancy tests because it was just too crazy to believe. I contacted Bryan to let him know which ended up being the worst mistake ever. He immediately told me to get an abortion that he wasn’t ready to have another child and that he couldn’t afford a baby.
In the back of my mind, I kept thinking, what if God is giving me a miracle baby to help me? What if this time, a baby would change everything? All of these thoughts went through my head as I sat there and listened to Bryan talk down to me about the pregnancy and how big of a mistake it was. I just sat there let him go off on me but when he was done, it was like God lifted me up and spoke for me. I said, “I am keeping this baby and there is absolutely nothing you can do nor say that will change my mind.” I feel like he is my Guardian Angel who is here to help me get better. I kept repeating this to myself over and over. I really thought this was the reason God gave me a baby. Nothing else had worked before and for once in my life, I felt like I wanted to get better.
Me and Bryan ended up trying to make our relationship work for the sake of this baby that I was set on keeping. My family was very supportive because they were actually so about the fact that I was pregnant, that they took Bryan in under there wing and tried to get us on our feet. But living with Bryan ended up again being not a good idea. He would constantly talk down to me and call me every horrible name you could possibly imagine. He called me fat and always made me feel like I was worthless but because I thought I was in love with him, I just let it happen. I didn’t know how to fight back without just crying all the time. But in Feb 2012, we found ourselves evicted and homeless so we traveled to Texas so my mom could help us out.
We got settled in and I found a job within 2 days of being here but Bryan just would not get up and get a job. We fought a lot and so he ended up going back to Wichita Falls and that is when even more problems started happening.
He would call me and tell me that the baby wasn’t his and that I cheated on him. I just sat there and thought, when did I ever have time to cheat on the guy? We were always together. I was never allowed to go anywhere except for work. If were somewhere else, he was there with me at all times. I couldn’t take his lies and accusations so I quit talking to him all together.
Then on June 20, 2012, my miracle came. It wasn’t easy and it was a little scary, but I finally got to meet my sweet boy.
I was in labor but nothing was progressing. The doctor discovered after pushing for so long and nothing was happening, that I had a tilted uterus which makes it really hard for the baby to come down the birth canal. We also realized that with every contraction, his heart would stop and it was causing me to freak out. I was exhausted and on oxygen. The epidural had completely paralyzed me from the neck down (they messed up) he decided I needed to push harder to get this baby out because my son had slowly stopped breathing. I paniced and had never pushed or worked so hard in all my life. I was desperate to get him out and get him help. A few minutes later, Zane was born stillborn… All kinds of beeps and codes were being issued out and the nurses from all over the labor and delivery floor rushed into the room to help. I can’t stop crying and my mother and sister are praying out loud.
I hear the nurses counting “1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 and breathe (blow sound)” I’m just freaking out because I was still numb and paralyzed and could not see what was going on. Finally, I heard the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life. I heard my son let out a big cry. Tears would not stop pouring down my face. I was so thankful that he was alive. The nurses then took him away to care for him more.
It was hard to see him in the NICU. I couldn’t touch him with all the wires and being hooked up to so many machines. It was the hardest thing to see your sweet baby so helpless and I couldn’t even pick up him and hold him.
The next 2 days were a challenge for all of our family. The day after he was born, Zane started having liver and kidney problems and they weren’t able to feed him because his stomach was not strong enough to digest his food. That following night they had to insert a feeding tube into him in order to be able to get him to eat. I remember after seeing and hearing the report of how he was doing, I just went to my hospital room and prayed harder than I ever have before and just prayed for hours throughout the night. My baby had to be ok. I needed him to be healthy!
The following day I wake up to the doctor coming in my room with a smile on his face. He said, “I have some really great news for you. Zane is completely healed and all of his tests came back beyond normal and this is truly a miracle. I have never seen anything like this and it all seems amazing. He had a quick and miraculous recovery.” I was so excited and started crying for joy and hugging the doctor and my mother. I realized that God has always been watching over me. He never left me. He was protecting me from the time I was 19 to even now.
My son is now 4 months old and such a happy baby and just as healthy as can be. I am truly honored to be his mother and follow in God’s footsteps and show my son that he does not need anything to be happy as long as he has God by his side.