100% ALL IN

carefreewoman“I cannot do this.  Not again. I have to get rid of it,” I sobbed.  “If you go through with this I would really question a lot about your faith. You KNOW better,” my friend responded questionably. She was right. I had walked with the Lord for 7 years now.  I DID know better.

Then, came the words that would grip my soul …  “What if Jesus comes back while you are in the middle of aborting your baby? How would that make Him feel? A baby that He made and has a purpose for?”  Ouch.

All of a sudden the thought of walking another pregnancy by myself felt a little less convicting. Let’s roll the tape back to the year 2005. I had just recently given my life to the Lord.  Well ok, let’s be real, I gave him 80 percent. Confused? Let me explain.

I was introduced to drugs at the strip club I used to work at.  That club pretty much drug me down into the pit of hell where it belonged.  Along with clothes, my sense of self worth, my value, my dignity, my trust in men or the human race in general was stripped right along with it.

One night at work I was upset because my granny had passed.  I had gotten the voicemail during the transition of a set and a client asked me what was wrong.  With a glimpse of hope for a dose of empathy or some needed consoling, I shared my news.  The man responded excitedly, “Oh good! You should tell management, now you have an excuse to come home with me.” I was disgusted.

I did tell management.  I told them to kiss my butt goodbye because I was never coming back. Yay me, right?  Well it wasn’t long before the money ran out. I had lost all my friends who were also all on drugs & I couldn’t afford my own place to live. I came to the point where I was either going to a homeless shelter or going to my grandmothers to clean myself up.  I chose to get clean.

Three months before my 21st birthday, I asked the Lord to come into my life.  I told Him He could have everything except boys and alcohol.  Hello… I still felt like I needed to control that part.  80 percent.  Thanks to free will, I picked my own dude out.

After a year we got married and after 2 weeks he had sexually and physically abused me.  So we got divorced.  I lost my job.  I moved back home.  I got mad at God.  I got back on drugs.  I went looking for love from an old friend I knew from high school.  I got pregnant and my mom kicked me out.

“If you want to be a mom you better get out there and learn how to be one,” she demanded.   So I moved in with the father.  I then was warned that once our son came I had to find a place to live because he didn’t want to raise a baby in the party house we were living in.  Awesome. (But not really).

It was during that time I had nowhere else to turn except to God.  I started reading my Bible.  Praying.  Oh boy did we pray!  I got books on how to hear from Him.  I sought Him with my whole heart!  Hope and comfort started to fill the cracks of my heart.  He soon provided a job for me.  An apartment.  A car.  He gave me new friends who loved me and were there for me.  The Lord was taking care of me!  Oh it was so wonderful.

Soon my son came.  It was HARD.  Almost too hard. To some degree I think we prepare ourselves mentally for the trials of parenthood.  But until you are a mom, you really have no understanding of just how hard it really is to raise a child.  It stretches you in every way.  It was no one else’s job to raise that baby besides the father who, in my case, bailed and refused to be held accountable.  So I did it alone.

It wasn’t long before I started to get mad at God again.  Resenting all the suffering I was enduring. I turned away from Him and tried to fill the void with alcohol, drugs, and men again.   In 2010, after overdosing on the freeway and waking up in a hospital, my job working me like a slave and being a single mom on top of that with really nothing left to give my son, I finally cried out to the Lord: “That is it!! I am done! I can’t do this on my own anymore! Lord, I need you.  My way is not working.  You can have everything: smoking (I had smoked cigarettes since I was 16), alcohol, drugs, sex (I even got off birth control because I was going to wait until I got married), money … I give it all to you. I am all yours!” 

At that point a weight lifted off of me and a purification process began.  Life was awesome.  Joy filled me up to overflowing.  Love was super abounding from my heart.  God brought happiness back into my life.  He was my husband, my healer my protector, my provider.  Everything was awesome until I got a little comfortable and slowly but surely the enemy started setting his trap. Loneliness.  More than anything I wanted a family and I started to venture back out into bars and places to find companionship.  Good place huh?  Well it’s what I knew and was comfortable with.  Still very insecure with myself and with past wounds unhealed, my counselor put it this way: “You were starving.  And when we are starving, we settle for scraps.”  Scraps it was. After being used and abused again by another man, I went to a club where I met the father of my second child.  Within a short time, I felt the Holy Spirit’s leading to repent and stop what I was doing.  I was unhappy.  Unfulfilled.  This man really didn’t love me.  How could he?  He didn’t even know the Lord.  What was I thinking?

I told “my boyfriend” that he needed to move out and we needed to do this right.  He didn’t care for that and I found out later how much he really didn’t care after he moved in with “her”.  It was too late, I was pregnant.   Here I am a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ and I am pregnant, by myself again?! Holy smokes this couldn’t be happening!  I was so embarrassed.  I did not want to have to wear my sin on the outside.

I turned back to the Lord.  Where else could I go?

It was through wisdom and prayer that I came to the decision to bless another family with my baby and place her for adoption.  I loved her.  I wanted her to flourish in a two- parent home with God as the head of household.  I needed to focus on my son and rebuild what was lost; two kids with no Father to count on felt too much.  I prayed a very specific prayer. Lord, with you please lead me to the right family, please let them love you with all of their hearts, please let them be serving in church to let them love dogs and maybe have a couple? Those were just “some” of the stipulations I had.  I wasn’t just going to let any family raise her!

To my delight, God met every single one of my requests and more.  Well, the dog thing wasn’t a deal breaker.  When it was time for baby Charis (which means grace in Greek, I think that’s neat and fittingJ) to come, it was amazing.  God’s presence filled the delivery room.  We were all crying tears of joy, relief and awe.  She was born on a Sunday at 11:07 pm weighing 7 lbs. 11 oz.

Me, in my crazy mind have asked God, does that mean something??!  After all, there is symbolic representation throughout the Bible. I haven’t really got a clear answer but I will tell you 7 is the number for completion in the Bible and 7 11 makes me think of the gas station and their old slogan was “oh thank heaven” so you can decide for yourself.

Well after that amazing experience, I was left to myself again.  This time though I held onto God.  I wasn’t letting go.  I gave him all my pain, tears and poured my heart into Him.   For the first time in my life, He was able to start healing my heart.  I didn’t hold anything back.  My fears, my hurts, how I felt about things that happened in my past and how I felt about God.  See it was very hard for me to trust God.  Starting all the way back to my father and then the countless men who had failed me after that.  I didn’t trust anyone.  But God never gave up.  Every single time I fell and was left with nothing, He was there waiting to hold me and give me everything.  I was never actually alone.  God walked me through every crisis; it was me that walked away from Him.  He has always loved me.  He just wanted me to trust Him so he could show me who HE really IS. 

I am 28 now and the Lord has turned every horrible thing I have gone through into something beautiful. I have such a wonderful relationship with my son.  The Lord continues to grow me into the Godly mother he intended for me to be.  I am a better friend, sister, daughter not to mention I am drug, alcohol, and sex free! Yes I said sex. I am waiting for God to bring the right one.  While I wait and walk with the Lord, life couldn’t be better!  Oh and Charis, she is doing awesome, I just talked to her adoptive mom last night.  I feel like she is the sister I never had.  She is amazing.

The God of the universe will blow your mind, just trust Him and give Him everything – not part of you, all of you. I’m 100% ALL IN. 

Written anonymously

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