Unexplainable Satisfaction

generationofhandsHave you ever had a day where you felt like the entire day was full of mistakes? You try so hard all day to keep making things right, spinning your wheels trying to fix what went wrong but still at the end of the day, you feel like a failure. But then the day take a twist when your boss comes up and pats you on the back and says “great job today!”  When we reflect back on our day, our mistakes are at the forefront of our memories when others only saw the good and how we were working so hard and doing a really good job!!

When I got pregnant in high school between my junior and senior year I got all kinds of looks … “she’s too young to be a mom” looks and “how can she be a good mom at such a young age?” I got the sighs and shakes of the head in disappointment from a lot of people. It would be great to say it didn’t bother me … but it did. In fact, it sometimes made me question it myself. Could I be a good mom when I haven’t even graduated from high school yet? What kind of life can I provide for baby?

I had lots of questions and lots of hurdles to overcome before I even gave birth! My husband and I got married while I was 4 months along. There were people (relatives) that didn’t even come to our wedding because they had already decided that, “they’re just getting married because she’s pregnant, they won’t last 5 years!” People were against us before we ever got started …

As time went on and we had 3 more babies, all still while we were very young, I started ignoring the looks of others because I loved my life! I loved my kids and if they can’t accept me for who I was, then oh well!

My husband worked 2 jobs most of the time and I worked full time in a day care so I could be with my kids. I often wondered if I was spending enough time with my kids. Was I giving each child the quality time they needed? I hoped so.

I made plenty of mistakes as a mom!! From forgetting to pack lunches for school to leaving a child at home on accident!! As they grew up I had moments where I felt that maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a mom at times. I felt like a failure at times when they would misbehave or act out in public. I could feel those disapproving eyes again … the same ones that would look at me that way when I was younger. I felt like I had something to prove but sometimes I felt like I was proving them right.

By the time my two oldest hit their teen years, I really felt awful. At times, they were simply out of control!  I can’t tell you how many times I heard “I hate you mom!” Yes, it hurt in case your wondering, but as a mom, they say you develop a thick skin. I never did. There have been times throughout my life when I have gone to bed crying feeling like I just wasn’t good at being a mom.

As you read this, your most likely thinking, “Why has she titled this unexplainable satisfaction?”

About two years ago my daughter found out she was pregnant at age 18. The exact same age I was when I got pregnant years ago. I cried of course, again, thinking I had failed as a mom. I cried knowing that her life would be hard and that I know exactly what she’s headed for. I dreamed she would go to college and get married and THEN have kids. The same dreams my mom had for me.

Throughout her pregnancy, the excitement in our family grew! We couldn’t wait for this precious little girl to get here! I did the best I could to protect my little girl from those hurtful looks and disapproving eyes of others! Of course she had resources I didn’t! She had a huge family that was backing her, a church family from 2 states that loved her, and Embrace Grace where she met other mommies her age.

As I watched my grand daughter come into this world I just couldn’t stop the tears! They were happy tears by the way! I also prayed constantly for my daughter, that she would have the strength to do this. I wanted her to not only be a mom, but to be a great mom! I didn’t want her to make the mistakes that I did!

Ireland Grace is almost 14 months old now and she is the sweetest baby girl. She has my heart. My oldest son is about to graduate high school and has aspirations of being a lawyer! (That’s going to cost a pretty penny!! LOL!) He has a part time job as well. My youngest son is still set on going into the Air Force and he wants to fly planes! I’m very proud of all my kids.

Throughout this past year, I can’t tell you how many times my daughter has said, “Thank You.” Two very simple words that make my heart skip a beat.

“I never realized how hard it was to be a mom, mom. Thank you!”

“Was it like this for you? Did I act like this?? Thank you!”

“I remember mom when you would…. Thank you!”

And from outsiders looking in on our family…

“Your kids are great!”

“Dianna is such a great mom. You raised her well!”

That’s where my unexplainable satisfaction comes from!

See in the moment of all those years when they were small, and I was so focused on all the mistakes I was making, while others were only seeing a hard working, great mom!

My advice to you is don’t focus on the mistakes! We all make them! Focus on the fact that you’re a mommy and enjoy it to the fullest because before you know it, you babies won’t be babies anymore!!

Written by Julie Sager

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s