It was a very random evening. My daughter was at a friend’s house and I was driving to Kroger, chatting with a friend on the phone when an unexpected call came through. The call from the person you thought you wouldn’t hear from again (and maybe shouldn’t hear from again). I answered not knowing who it was, maintained a brief conversation and then hung up the phone thinking that was it. I was shocked and questions formed in my mind as I had not had time to prepare what I would say, or get off my chest all that I really wanted to say.
I carried on with my usual weekend activities, putting the call behind me. I attended service that Sunday morning and during worship I had a very vivid moment with the Lord. In this moment, this picture, I was standing in a crowd adorned in the most beautiful gown. Flowing from my head was an extraordinary green veil with small gold pieces dangling from it. Jesus was standing at the front of the crowd with His hand held out towards me. I took His hand and He led me through the onlookers to the front of the crowd, until I stood right next to Him. Our hands entwined, He turned to me and said, “You are Mine.” I felt so special, He had declared in front of all that I was His. What started as a moment of elation though quickly turned to fear. My chest started to squeeze tight and I could feel in my heart that I would turn from Him. I squeezed onto His hand even tighter and begged Him not to let me go. I was so afraid that I was going to be unfaithful to Him, turn my back on Him. All the while He stood firm, never wavering, never letting go of my hand.
Fast forward a day or two after that moment during worship and I am back to driving in my car and I hear a familiar voice, “If you leave, I will not stop you. But when you return, I will be here.” I thought this strange but immediately my mind flew back to the picture I received in worship service just a few short days before. You see, my relationship with my Abba had grown in depth recently. I started to think on Him at all times, daydream about Him and see Him in the midst of my daily activities. My heart for Him was growing and I was feeling very strong, very changed, very sure.
And then the second call came. This one again caught me off guard. It happened right after I had an argument with my son, and I was left baffled by one phone call and walked right into another one that I was not prepared for. Pulling myself together I continued on with my day, and then another call came. My strength beginning to wane, I started entertaining the calls, entertaining ideas, and before I knew it, I wasn’t so baffled, wasn’t so upset. Now I was intrigued, and even hopeful. But not quite peaceful.
Something was wrong in my spirit. I knew that I should be upset, I reminded myself of all of the reasons why it had been a long time since I had talked to this individual, but even then I found myself conveniently compartmentalizing in my head. A few days passed and another phone call came. This one upsetting. My hope shattered, and reality shone brightly on display. In just a few short days my emotions had run the gambit. I had started out sure, then startled, then skeptical, followed by intrigued, hopeful, even excited. It wasn’t until the realization of my unmet expectations that I truly understood how much I had gone left so to speak. Completely way out in left field from my original path, my original plan. And then I knew.
In my heart, I, for however brief a moment, had left my first Love. My heart had wandered from Him, and true to His word, He was there for me when I realized what I had done and came running back to Him. I was devastated. How quickly I had traded in my Truth for a façade.
Oh but He knows me, and I know Him. The intimacy that we have built enabled me to not only see the error of my ways, but to receive Him and His love for me in the midst of my brokenness because I love Him and I know that He loves me. This is not merely head knowledge, but heart knowledge. I know, that I know, that I know that He loves me. He is there for me, He won’t give up on me, He won’t let me go. He will fight for me because I am His.
He knows you, the question is do you know Him? He loves you, He fights for you, He won’t let you go. No matter what, He will be here for you when you are ready to return.